Low

I know I have to get out of the house and do things in order to fell better but despite knowing that, I have no motivation to do so. I think I'm getting addicted to the wallowing because it's so easy to just not see people or deal with anything. Having said that its hard, because then I think about the things I should be doing and panic.

Its like I went from functioning pretty normally, but with all these 'symptoms' to something snapping and all the same things become massive issues. And new ones. I cant concentrate, on anything. I cant watch TV because I cant keep track of the plot. If I look up from the screen while I'm typing something I have re-read the whole thing to remember what I was talking about. I've completely lost track of time. The last 4 days feel like at least a month and it feels like there are almost no daylight hours.

My hands have gone purple permanently and I don't even care. I cant really feel them that well.

I haven't spoken out loud, save one phone call for well over 48 hours.

I don't even feel lonely, I just feel like there isn't anyone else. I cant stand the idea of anyone touching me, every time before the last 3 days that I went somewhere i'd just sit/stand there amongst all these people who are my friends and feel only the compulsion to leave.

I don't think anything. I read a shit magazine and got mildly offended by something but had forgotten what I was reading by the time I bothered to formulate any actual thoughts.

I got hired for a job that starts in a few weeks and I have no real intention of going, I'm making plans for the christmas holidays and I don't even feel like that far ahead exists.

The doctor's office keeps calling, as does the crisis team who I'm supposed to update but I don't call them back, I don't see the point.

I'm very tired.

And the extent of me feeling better since waking up has culminated in me writing a few paragraphs and thinking about having a shower. Steps forward are completely pointless.