Status Update:

Is tired of working so hard to be 'okay' for the benefit of everyone around her.
Is tired of caring about how other people feel towards her.
Is tired of caring about other people.
Is tired of caring.
Is tired.


An article that was sent to me by X, after a discussion we had about her smashing up the apartment she shared with her ex-boyfriend. I have no idea where it's from.


Does a person who can be considered BPD have another type of reality? In other words, my future ex-wife would constantly say that I did not love her enough, but in the end she left. There was no explanation outside of a note on the door - she sold the house within a month. My question is how do you break the mental wall that now makes her view me as a stranger?

The short answer to your question is, you don't. The way that you put it, that a BP exists in a sort of alternative reality, is actually pretty accurate. Despite usually being very observative, they have a very difficult time recognizing and interpreting people's behaviour towards themselves, particularly positive behaviours, due to their inability to accept themselves as worthy or deserving of love and vaildation. This generally presents a problem for the rest of us because their perceptions, responses, and behaviors very often go against our expectations. The BP sees the world as black-and-white. That your wife would sell the house within one month of your separation is very typical. An aspect of the borderline's social construction of reality is the inability to distinguish between an object (meaning a complex that represents something to them psychosocially) and the person, thing or situation which they are confronting. So, black-and-white translates for them into good and evil or good and bad. When something is good, they are attached to it relentlessly and when something is bad, they reject it mercilessly (such as, selling the house or throwing out your clothes.)

They tend to see the world through a distorted lens that is much different than the one the rest of us peer through. Although we may be able to appreciate and understand their perceptions, we cannot shift their gaze.

We talk about these articles a lot, because it's so weird to hear the things you do and the way you think discussed as abnormal behaviour.

We all (X, Y and I) only discovered recently that anything we did was different, because that's all you know until someone tells you otherwise. Y sees shadow people, faceless black shapes in his peripheral vision, always has. Never thought much of it, never mentioned it specifically. We both hear voices and/or music emanating from household appliances, washing machines etc. That looks really weird written down, but I never really thought about whether other people did or not.

In the same way it never occurred to any of us that the way we think or feel was any different to anyone else. The wife's behavior, in the article, does not seem the slightest bit strange to me.

The group therapy X goes to often includes people who are not BPD, but who have BPD friends or partners. They are SO CONFUSED by the behaviour of their friends - X always tells me their stories and they make PERFECT SENSE to us.

Ups and Downs.

I'm sick of my moods being all over the place.
I'd almost rather go back to being lethargic and depressed and completely uncaring, it's easier than this ridiculous rollercoaster.
For five minutes in the morning I'm fine, then I'm crying in the shower, then I'm sitting on my bed staring into space, then I'm so irrationally angry I smash the lamp I bought last week, then I'm crying on the floor, then I'm fine.............I'M SO TIRED.

I just want to sleep.


Last night i accidentally cut my hand, slipped and gauged a knife halfway through my index finger. I don't mind blood etc. at all, but the thought of what I'd done scared the shit out of me and I completely freaked out. Today it aches so much and I'm so cold I'm exhausted though I haven't done much. I'm still agitated, but the twitching of my muscles hurts because my body aches so much, and things I thought were looking better yesterday have fallen apart one by one and waves of panic keep washing over me. I'm too tired to keep being around people, Its so much effort to just not cry all the time. I want to sleep for days, but I still cant empty my mind enough.

My psych is leaving for a month.


I feel like I've had 7L of caffeine intravenously injected. I cant sleep, I cant study, I'm tired, my body's tired, but I can't stop twitching. I can't watch tv, because everyone speaks too slow, I cant go out with friends, because I'm too restless to get involved in a conversation. And I don't want to snap at anyone.

If I just sit for a second and do nothing, it feels like my blood is trying to force it's way out of my body, explode out through my skin. My mind is constantly on the edge of panic, if I relax into it, everything will go white.

At least I had the energy and inclination to get some things done today, but 7 hours in 5 airless offices, half a tank of fuel, 8 dim-witted receptionists, 6 phone calls and a headache later, I'm not feeling very friendly. I've been dealing all day with people whose job it is to make my life easier, and yet, save one, their sole desire seems to be to make it harder.

I used to really like feeling this agitated, I used to go out and get drunk and be the centre of attention. And everything was good, and life would be good, and there were colors everywhere and music sounded so good it was like a drug.
Right now everything is sharp, but sound is annoying and the colors are making my eyes hurt. I'm surly and angry at everyone, without reason.

Life doesn't feel pointless or hard, it feels like it's moving too slow, and it's pissing me off that it doesn't keep up.

Hypomania......yeah, cool.


Today was really awful. I spent most of it in bathrooms crying. I cant do this anymore.


I kept reading the word "Splitting" in articles and conversations about BPD, didn't really understand it, this lady explains it pretty well. Except in terms of colour, my white people are green, and my black people are white.

Taken from Walking the Borderline

"It is very important to me that you understand that the terms "white" and black" are terms in regards to splitting.

Splitting is a round about way for the bpd to protect themselves. It's a division of the world into "good" and "bad".

The "good" things are "white". They are the people in our lives we consider safe and good and pure. If someone is white you see no bad in them. They may be rescuing you from something bad or they maybe be keeping the world around you white.

The "bad" things are "black" or "evil". They are the people who cause us pain, or won't give us our way. They are the people you turn away from and seek out the good people instead of.

Splitting is an inability to hold opposing thoughts. If they do something wrong or hurtful they must be bad or black, and it is therefor impossible for them to have any good in them. And if someone is white, they can do no wrong. They are a shelter, a protector from all the is bad in the world.

It is easy to think you are in love with someone who is white to you. They show a little affection, you show some back, and you have it made. They are your personal savior and you are head over heels with them on a pedestal. They can literally do no wrong. Until they hurt you. And then there is very rarely any going back. That person is suddenly black. It's easy to go from white to black, but much harder, if not impossible, to go from black to white."

Normal Behaviour

Today I thought I was going to throw up on the bus. This was extremely unpleasant, particularly as managed to cry a bit at the bus stop. Vomiting and crying on public transport is not normal behaviour. As of last night the darkness seems to have abated.........i guess I should get used to the cycles. I nearly threw up on a bus because I'd spent the last hour trying not to throw up on a disability worker who though kind enough, made me feel like a complete idiot. There isn't really anything she could have said that wouldn't have made feel like an idiot considering she was questioning me as to why I missed my appointment last week and didn't answer my phone. I'd really rather things didn't cycle, because the moment I start to feel like I might be able to speak to an actual person in the flesh, I'm confronted with the mess that's accumulated through not functioning for a week. And that makes me want to go straight back to not functioning.

My short-term memory is totally shot too, something Y complains of often. I wander into the kitchen and cant remember if I've eaten, I messaged my mum 3 times in an hour because I forget that I've already talked to her, I cant remember anything anyone says to me, or anything I read for more than 20 seconds. I've always been a bit scatterbrained, but even when I write things down or make a conscious effort to remember them, I cant, or I forget where I've written it.

I have no sense of time. Last week feels like a separate existence, I cant distinguish the days, nor can I put to a time to anything the happened in the few days preceding it. My psych's going to ask me what's happened since he saw me last, and I really don't know, I don't even know when I saw him last. I'm also struggling to separate dreams from reality. There are few things that I know happened, people I spoke to etc. Except I didn't. I didn't leave the house. When the doctor first started mentioning delusions and hallucinations, I totally baulked at the idea. I don't hear voices or see things that aren't there. I'm not that crazy.
"Do you ever hear your name called and turn around to find no-one there?
"Of course, everyone does that."
"Even when you're alone?"
"Everyone does not do that."

Turns out I see and hear a couple of things not everyone does.
So I started paying more attention and questioning what was real and what possibly wasn't. There are people, that I think about fairly often, that I'm no longer certain exist outside of my dreams, places too, and events. This isn't something I've taken too kindly to.

I can't sleep and I look like hell.


It's been 4 days since I did anything functional.

I actually got out of the house, I figured if I could just walk around the block i'd feel so much better.

But I don't, I feel worse. I finally understand why depressed people 'self harm' I.e. cut themselves without intent. I'm totally numb and I haven't felt anything for days.
I walked and then I jogged, and I'm unfit, and I've barely moved for days, I shouldn't have been able to jog for more than a few minutes.

Except nothing hurts. Eventually I stopped because i'd gotten home, and I'm vaguely aware of stitches and what I suppose is pain in my chest, but I cant actually feel it.
I stubbed my toe earlier and it bled, but I didn't feel it, I dropped the kettle on my foot this morning and my skin's all blistered where it was scalded but I didn't pause in making a cup of tea. Nor can I be bothered doing anything about the burn.

My hands are purple and the skin is splitting from washing them so often after throwing up, but I don't feel it.

The skin on my face is peeling off and scabbing for the same reason and I keep picking at it but it doesn't hurt.

I feel like I'm watching a psychological horror film where the person slowly rots to death in their own room, getting madder and madder, except I don't feel mad, I don't feel anything.


I know I have to get out of the house and do things in order to fell better but despite knowing that, I have no motivation to do so. I think I'm getting addicted to the wallowing because it's so easy to just not see people or deal with anything. Having said that its hard, because then I think about the things I should be doing and panic.

Its like I went from functioning pretty normally, but with all these 'symptoms' to something snapping and all the same things become massive issues. And new ones. I cant concentrate, on anything. I cant watch TV because I cant keep track of the plot. If I look up from the screen while I'm typing something I have re-read the whole thing to remember what I was talking about. I've completely lost track of time. The last 4 days feel like at least a month and it feels like there are almost no daylight hours.

My hands have gone purple permanently and I don't even care. I cant really feel them that well.

I haven't spoken out loud, save one phone call for well over 48 hours.

I don't even feel lonely, I just feel like there isn't anyone else. I cant stand the idea of anyone touching me, every time before the last 3 days that I went somewhere i'd just sit/stand there amongst all these people who are my friends and feel only the compulsion to leave.

I don't think anything. I read a shit magazine and got mildly offended by something but had forgotten what I was reading by the time I bothered to formulate any actual thoughts.

I got hired for a job that starts in a few weeks and I have no real intention of going, I'm making plans for the christmas holidays and I don't even feel like that far ahead exists.

The doctor's office keeps calling, as does the crisis team who I'm supposed to update but I don't call them back, I don't see the point.

I'm very tired.

And the extent of me feeling better since waking up has culminated in me writing a few paragraphs and thinking about having a shower. Steps forward are completely pointless.


'Feelings of emptiness' are a criteria for the diagnoses of BPD.
These are definitions from borderlines:

"The void, the hole, something's missing from me that everyone else seems to be in possession of. Something that makes you able to sit and be content. Everything, the emptiness is the lack of being in the moment, getting so anxiously bored in the midst of being unrelentingly busy. Not being here, and not being anywhere else, all at the same time."

"You don't know what it is, but something's missing. Something vital and powerful and profound. You have plans for the future, for yourself, but they mean nothing. They're not even yours; not really. I feel a lack of desire for the future"

"Life's a dream. There's no meaning, no substance, no point. Emptiness is not destructive, it's not without hope, its just a total lack of everything, of motivation, of emotion, of desire. There's no feeling, physically, you're numb."


The views of borderlines on how borderlines are different:

"We struggle because we are the ones who feel things harder and stronger than everyone else, as someone said on the forums - no-one will ever love you like a borderline, if only we could find someone to love us back. Thus, the problem is not that we feel things more strongly, but that everyone else feels things less. They should change to be like us, if everyone loved as hard and hurt as much as we do, the world would surely be a much more beautiful place."

"If only everyone had as much compassion for others as we borderlines, the world would be a far happier place. If only there were somewhere in the world we could all live together in peace and mutual understanding."

"We're good people to turn to when you feel shitty. Whatever mood you're feeling at the time, chances are we've felt that exact way 3 times before we even ate breakfast.

"Other people go through their entire lives without feeling close to what we do, the good and the bad. I have a friend who's an author who always tells me he wishes he had my passion for life, and that he makes his living by writing about emotions he could never have, yet he knows I've had stronger ones. People with bpd really know how to appreciate experiences fully, give ourselves to the moment and experience it to an extreme few people will ever know."

Dark Periods

An excerpt from a conversation with a new friend - recently diagnosed BPD.

X:"I know that it will pass, but I know that it will always come back. This is what I constantly despair about when I am down, that I feel like I will never be free from this emotional hell. I have been like this all my life, it is all I know, and I honestly can't ever see myself being any different. No one in my life understands, they see it as something I do to myself and therefore it is my fault for not getting better. I don't really blame them for not understanding. I can't imagine what all this must look like to an outsider looking in."

Z:"I too despair that it will always come back. After my worst episode ever, the first time I seriously contemplated suicide, and I mean seriously with intention, I decided I would go to a psychiatrist and if they gave me medication and it made me feel better I would do that, if not, I would end it. I simply cannot exist with that much pain, even if there are good periods in between. I'm having a fairly good week this week and as usual I feel its all a bit melodramatic, but I also know a dark period is just around the corner.

I hate that they see it as this attention grabbing act we put on, like it's a choice. If they knew even half of what we go through they would never imagine we choose to feel this way."

The Truth

Another excerpt from a conversation with my new friend, diagnosed - bpd/depression/anxiety.

Y: "Do you ever think that we have a gift? That we can see the truth?

I feel like that sometimes. Like everyone else is living a lie. Like ants across the face of the earth, aspiring to eventually meaningless positions of power or money. People devoting their lives to studying, so they can work, so they can make money and live the last few years of their lives doing what they actually want.

Life is a race to fucking retirement, where we can actually live.

Why run the race when you can start at the finish line?

Maybe BPD or "disorders" in general are the price we pay for knowing."

Z: "That is EXACTLY how I feel.
I see all the people meaninglessly working in jobs they hate, in mediocre relationships, saving money to buy things they dont need or want.

I feel like there must be something grand or worthwhile, but that very few people do it. I love what I'm studying, ecology because I feel very attached to the earth and to living in a way that makes some sort of difference. My psych calls me a humanist because i told him i dont believe in god and that the only reason for existence, for living is to enjoy life and to try and create as much happiness in others as you can.

He asked me whether i felt that life was worthless or meaningless, and i'm sure he expected me to say so. I dont though, i feel like it might become that way, and im terrified of that, but i have hope that ill find that something grand and incredible.

I dont understand 'things.' why people want them or hang on to them, or work hard to get them, the western lifestyle, the enduring struggle through mediocrity drives me mad, i feel such an intense pity for the masses.

I want to see the world, i want to see, smell, taste and touch every colour and culture and ride through mountains and deserts and dive the depths of the ocean. WHY DOESNT EVERYONE FEEL THIS WAY?! how can people be content to just exist without wonder, in its place - nice cars and occasional holidays to bali or perhaps rome.

I see guys with their commerce textbooks and feel physically ill. They're studying something they dont enjoy to work in a job they'll hate, they'll only ever live for weekends and wait all year for their annual leave when they'll get drunk and be nice to their pretty wife for 3 weeks. one day theyll have kids and mortgage and a nice car. they disgust me.

I do, i feel like people like me, see the truth, see something something grander and more worthwhile, and if only everyone else was like us, felt things the way we do, as hard and fast and hurtful, then maybe things would be better."

Y: "Exactly.

The only reason I'm still here is because I hope I'll find something amazing to live for. I'm only here to enjoy life and the people in it.

I want to travel, to go places and see things. To search for it."

Give Me a Label

........but a tiny part of me wants the disorders too, so i have an excuse for behaving like an idiot, which is because i have a makes my head spin.

im so tired of pretending im okay, i want to apologise for all the dumb stuff ive done and the people ive let down, but i cant, because i feel like a fool giving depression or other as an excuse.

Teen Angst

An excerpt from a conversation with a new friend of mine with a bpd/depression/anxiety diagnoses.

F: "I've only mentioned my problems to one mate of mine, a woman who suffers from Bipolar and Depression. Although it annoys me sometimes as she's so open with it, it's like they can't be real issues because she's almost... Flaunting it. Almost always something will trigger a blatant, "But that's cos I have BP lol!" or "Yeah I'm crazy, Deal with it lol!". Yeah, well, maybe you should shut the fuck up cos some of us actually have problems. She tried to "kill herself" a month or so ago. Took a few valiums and zolofts and then cut herself, drank some wine and called an ambulance. I know it's probaly terrible of me, but I can't help but think it's just attention and validation she seeks as even her attempts are completely hollow."

Z: "I find it very hard to distinguish between the teen-angsty types who actually like having mental issues, or like thinking they do or might, and the people who really are ill. it bothers me that i think that way too, because it makes me unsure whether i think what i'm going through is real or me having a whinge. i wish there was a physical test they could do on us - like, yeah, this one has legitimately crazy cells, shes not just attention seeking.

the part i struggle with the most is the lame attempted suicides. I get cutting etc as a release, i have my own self harming behaviours, but ive never contemplated suicide half-heartedly. when my pdoc asked me how id do it, my response was - id get a scalpel (science student) and do it properly, no pills or crashing my car or jumping off a bridge, they might be more peaceful or dramatic respectively but i wouldnt take the chance i might not succeed, or worse, do permenant damage to myself and have to live with that.

so i find people who swallow a handful of pills and a bottle of wine....hard to understand, and i also blame them for some of the stigma associated with genuinely hardcore depressed people - i cant talk about suicidal thoughts with anyone because they sound so incredibly lame and emo."


The OP from a topic I started on a bpd forum

I found these both very informative and quite helpful. I'm sure most of us who've seen mental health professionals already know this stuff, but he speaks very well on everything.

One thing i find hard to deal with, thats discussed in these videos, is the techniques taught to control our behaviour, not processing anger, the benign situation etc.

I dont know about anyone else, but I've always been aware of these things, its common sense, and yes, i could learn to apply them better, but while i can be logical in situations........the phone call example:

I know its an over reaction, dramatic reaction, bpd reaction, whatever, and i know that the benign options are more likely etc etc. But that doesnt make the physical feelings of panic go away, nor does it stop me from thinking the bpd situations. I might know that they're not true, in the logical section of my brain, but THEY DONT FEEL TRUE, and i can never ultimately, fully convince myself.

The reason i went to the doctor, the reason i had to do something about my bdp, bp, anxiety etc, is because its BLOODY AWFUL, and i simply cannot feel those feelings on a regular basis, so please tell me how these techniques can make my stomach stop tying itself in knots, my head swimming and and everything hurting so much the world stops.

I also still really struggle with the idea that my childhood or my parents are responsible for the way i behave, or for my 'illness.' I have the typical bpd childhood, but ive never resented it, nor have i ever blamed in on any of my problems. I find that branch of thinking, freudian i suppose, very hard to have faith in - my mother was never around so now i suck as a person, it just seems like a total cop-out. (im not belittling anyone with these sorts of issues, i;m just struggling through my own ideas.) I think im going to scream at my pdoc if he tells me i cant have functional relationships with guys because my dad wasnt around, or that i devalue men who are attracted to me because my dad was a shit bloke.

everything they say makes sense, but it doesnt make it any easier to swallow.

Who Are You?

The first time I saw my psychiatrist he asked me this and I didnt know what to say. I dont struggle to think of things to say, the problem is there are so many things, and i dont know which order to put them in.