It's been 4 days since I did anything functional.
I actually got out of the house, I figured if I could just walk around the block i'd feel so much better.
But I don't, I feel worse. I finally understand why depressed people 'self harm' I.e. cut themselves without intent. I'm totally numb and I haven't felt anything for days.
I walked and then I jogged, and I'm unfit, and I've barely moved for days, I shouldn't have been able to jog for more than a few minutes.
Except nothing hurts. Eventually I stopped because i'd gotten home, and I'm vaguely aware of stitches and what I suppose is pain in my chest, but I cant actually feel it.
I stubbed my toe earlier and it bled, but I didn't feel it, I dropped the kettle on my foot this morning and my skin's all blistered where it was scalded but I didn't pause in making a cup of tea. Nor can I be bothered doing anything about the burn.
My hands are purple and the skin is splitting from washing them so often after throwing up, but I don't feel it.
The skin on my face is peeling off and scabbing for the same reason and I keep picking at it but it doesn't hurt.
I feel like I'm watching a psychological horror film where the person slowly rots to death in their own room, getting madder and madder, except I don't feel mad, I don't feel anything.