Another excerpt from a conversation with my new friend, diagnosed - bpd/depression/anxiety.
Y: "Do you ever think that we have a gift? That we can see the truth?
I feel like that sometimes. Like everyone else is living a lie. Like ants across the face of the earth, aspiring to eventually meaningless positions of power or money. People devoting their lives to studying, so they can work, so they can make money and live the last few years of their lives doing what they actually want.
Life is a race to fucking retirement, where we can actually live.
Why run the race when you can start at the finish line?
Maybe BPD or "disorders" in general are the price we pay for knowing."
Z: "That is EXACTLY how I feel.
I see all the people meaninglessly working in jobs they hate, in mediocre relationships, saving money to buy things they dont need or want.
I feel like there must be something grand or worthwhile, but that very few people do it. I love what I'm studying, ecology because I feel very attached to the earth and to living in a way that makes some sort of difference. My psych calls me a humanist because i told him i dont believe in god and that the only reason for existence, for living is to enjoy life and to try and create as much happiness in others as you can.
He asked me whether i felt that life was worthless or meaningless, and i'm sure he expected me to say so. I dont though, i feel like it might become that way, and im terrified of that, but i have hope that ill find that something grand and incredible.
I dont understand 'things.' why people want them or hang on to them, or work hard to get them, the western lifestyle, the enduring struggle through mediocrity drives me mad, i feel such an intense pity for the masses.
I want to see the world, i want to see, smell, taste and touch every colour and culture and ride through mountains and deserts and dive the depths of the ocean. WHY DOESNT EVERYONE FEEL THIS WAY?! how can people be content to just exist without wonder, in its place - nice cars and occasional holidays to bali or perhaps rome.
I see guys with their commerce textbooks and feel physically ill. They're studying something they dont enjoy to work in a job they'll hate, they'll only ever live for weekends and wait all year for their annual leave when they'll get drunk and be nice to their pretty wife for 3 weeks. one day theyll have kids and mortgage and a nice car. they disgust me.
I do, i feel like people like me, see the truth, see something something grander and more worthwhile, and if only everyone else was like us, felt things the way we do, as hard and fast and hurtful, then maybe things would be better."
The only reason I'm still here is because I hope I'll find something amazing to live for. I'm only here to enjoy life and the people in it.
I want to travel, to go places and see things. To search for it."