Today I thought I was going to throw up on the bus. This was extremely unpleasant, particularly as managed to cry a bit at the bus stop. Vomiting and crying on public transport is not normal behaviour. As of last night the darkness seems to have abated.........i guess I should get used to the cycles. I nearly threw up on a bus because I'd spent the last hour trying not to throw up on a disability worker who though kind enough, made me feel like a complete idiot. There isn't really anything she could have said that wouldn't have made feel like an idiot considering she was questioning me as to why I missed my appointment last week and didn't answer my phone. I'd really rather things didn't cycle, because the moment I start to feel like I might be able to speak to an actual person in the flesh, I'm confronted with the mess that's accumulated through not functioning for a week. And that makes me want to go straight back to not functioning.
My short-term memory is totally shot too, something Y complains of often. I wander into the kitchen and cant remember if I've eaten, I messaged my mum 3 times in an hour because I forget that I've already talked to her, I cant remember anything anyone says to me, or anything I read for more than 20 seconds. I've always been a bit scatterbrained, but even when I write things down or make a conscious effort to remember them, I cant, or I forget where I've written it.
I have no sense of time. Last week feels like a separate existence, I cant distinguish the days, nor can I put to a time to anything the happened in the few days preceding it. My psych's going to ask me what's happened since he saw me last, and I really don't know, I don't even know when I saw him last. I'm also struggling to separate dreams from reality. There are few things that I know happened, people I spoke to etc. Except I didn't. I didn't leave the house. When the doctor first started mentioning delusions and hallucinations, I totally baulked at the idea. I don't hear voices or see things that aren't there. I'm not that crazy.
"Do you ever hear your name called and turn around to find no-one there?
"Of course, everyone does that."
"Even when you're alone?"
"Everyone does not do that."
Turns out I see and hear a couple of things not everyone does.
So I started paying more attention and questioning what was real and what possibly wasn't. There are people, that I think about fairly often, that I'm no longer certain exist outside of my dreams, places too, and events. This isn't something I've taken too kindly to.
I can't sleep and I look like hell.